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10 Stages Of Coffee Snobbery

From Noob to Snob. Become a coffee elitist.


  1. Needing a boost at work,  you pour yourself a cup from the office coffee maker. You drown it in cream and sugar to mask the burnt taste.
  2. Looking for a change, you start drinking Mocha Frappucinos from Starbucks daily. Extra
    Starbucks Frappuchino

    mocha and sugar. Someone tells you how many calories Frappucinos have (400+!), and you immediately regret getting that Starbucks Gold card.

  3. In search for an alternative, you find an indie coffee shop near your place. Everyone here sports some kind of facial hair, beanie, or Mac. You order a “macchiato” without knowing what it is. It’s very bitter but gets you wired.
  4. You swear off Starbucks forever, saying “That swill is for plebs.” The local indie shop is now your daily haunt. You wonder what the rest of the patrons are actually doing here in the middle of the day.
  5. You start looking into doing it yourself. You go simple by just using a French press. Ahh, bliss.
  6. The French press isn’t cool enough for you now, so you get into Chemex. You also start roasting the beans yourself.
  7. Chemex pourovers aren’t doing it anymore, so now you’re looking into getting your own espresso machine. “$500 isn’t too much, right?” you ask yourself.

  8. Making coffee is getting too time-consuming so you begin to look around again for new shops to frequent. Plus, you can’t stop smelling coffee on your pillowcase.
  9. “Ugh, the foam on this cappuccino is totally off. The barista pulled a terrible shot — I mean look at this crema, if you can call it that. I bet these beans weren’t even locally roasted. This swill is for plebs.”
  10. Repeat stages 5-9 ad nausea or until someone poisons you.
    Poison Coffee


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